If the faculties I possess,
which help me to identify my emotions
and react with relative objectivity and calm
are in a sense, null and void
within the chaotic environment I exist,
whereas this environment
keeps me in the constant state of
fight or flight,
overworking my amygdala,
damn my masculinity!
Then you tell me,
where do I possibly find enough respite,
for requited emotional rest
and internal personal growth
when everything outside of me
keeps me in potential danger?
And my reality
is in constant reflection of that fact
and preparation for the unknown
which is always of impending danger.
Therefore, in prison,
I can never fully change,
because to change is to be defiant
and my defiance, in large part,
is how I became imprisoned,
though it helps me survive.
is that I’m expected to achieve something
that the environment actively seeks out
and preys upon,
so I can’t be who I want to be ultimately
while in prison
because the natural law of self preservation
and darwanisitic capitulation to survival of the fittest.
Prison made me more of what I was
and more of what I wasn’t
with an infinitely tested,
yet unwavering will
to become and stay those things.
Only time will define what those things truly are.
I could speculate
but I’ve been given enough time to sit and assess
something you outside these fences have limitlessly,
yet live as if in limited supply
unconsciously spending so much of it
going against your own direction.