Codependency

I wrote this poem and read it to a few people, it captivated them, I read it to another person that also is a poet, though I don’t consider myself a poet but he asked if I had a title, and I said no, not really, its kind of a performance poem…and he said this should be named codependency. Because that’s what he hears and he spoke on the importance of women, especially young women seeing this because the very real nature of toxic love becoming a codependency doing more harm than good. He asks his daughter, do you love him or are you just used to him? It’s a thin line between love and hate, but love is on one side, is something he also said. I wrote this knowing the truth it had been in most of my relationships, a cycle I loved but needed to fall out of love with. I used to think crazy love meant you loved more, but that’s not true..so I hope you can really read this and get something out of it because for me, relationships were always my trigger, either needing them closer or needing that closure. Emotions blur lines, what you may believe you are seeing clearly, you aren’t, that’s your fear of loneliness more often than not. Be brave, step back, and re-evaluate, because the loss of love may hurt you, but love doesn’t hurt

“Codependency”
I love love
I love you, love
but love, your love is killing me!
slowly..
you killin Me!
you killin me Slow!
you killin me Slow!…ly
sounds of glass chandeliers
marble vases
life sized mirrors
ceiling to floor windows
all combusting and shattering at once
added with the desperate sound of nails torturously dragging across the chalk board agonizingly slow to the point of insanity
mixed with the shrill screams of your voice in my head telling me that I’m worthless, you hate me, you regret us, but you..love.. me?
ahhhh, fuck! I love too!
trapped inside of this house of hoarded noises and horrors
as if we are inside the box of Pandora!
pandemonium is a regiment
panoramic malevolence
panorama of medicine
pan the cameras to catch the very moment you wouldn’t let me in
pointless pictures, a million hollow smiles reflected within our rusted frames
you know I tried but I’m teetering a cliff and you driving me crazy! i’ll swerve forreal! what?! you think that I wont?!
no
yes
stop
go
please
no thanks
forget it
forget you
remember I love you
I hate you
take me back
take that off
take it back
take this
take that
all you do is take!
take a hike!
what will it take?
take your time..
well take off then!
take 3!
let’s try this again..
look, I’ve messed up, ok I’m messed up
a torrent of text messages meshed with a plethora of ignored calls
then our verbal brawls
your words are scars
which reflect my flaws
I built up walls
you break them down, then break me down, back up!
rifle directed at you
ruger directed at me
I’m speaking metaphorically, love, we’re killing each other
or maybe you’re just killing me
did I fall in love or in obligation
fearing how you’d handle my departure and having to cope with the aches of loneliness more than the brevity of patience
until you’ve known love you don’t have any idea what pain is
lost looking for the right one, but what if they do not exist
at least I have you hear, and you have me, it’s not settling
every land is occupied by settlers, its how we build a home and a family
you remind me of so many things that I can never let go of
we’re one in the same
feigning fangs of ferocity and fear
its a thin line between love and life
symbolized within three fine thin strikes
across my wrist
tattoos of my affection passion and strength
and I dedicated it to you, you like it?
I couldn’t afford you roses or your name
but all roses wilt and tattoos get lazored off but this, THIS will forever remain
what a coincidence, we’re like twins, yours looks the same!
toast, to your love, whether potion or poison
tears enhance the taste of champagne
blood blends better in red wine
yea, we’re so crazily refined
love, we been through enough and came too far to give up
laughing remembering those times we should’ve and tried to, but never gave up
but what a beautiful massacre life and love is
inhaling your toxins, sipping your venom and swallowing the poisonous bliss of each other
I’m numb to it, calloused by the jagged edges of mutilation
finding relief in the moments you slow things down and
kill me slow, because I rather you do it then me…
what can I say, life is dark, love is light and I rather die illuminated
I love love, and you love it too
but do you love me…too?
because I.
still.
love.
you…
—
“I feel the storm”
I hear the storm
do u hear the storm
I feel the storm
I feel we’ve been warned
I feel like I’m cold,
and then I feel warm
I keep trying to change,
because I feel worn
I feel like I’m swarmed
but this is my norm
I try to do good, to deflect your harm
reach out with your arm
but the distance is more than your arm
sometimes we’re both off, and then we’re both on
and then I go off, and you just go on
then one of us yawns…
we been at this since dawn
why drag this on?
then you wave your arm,
like a magic wand
like I will be gone
and if I turn away…
then you play that song
that had us both drawn
I’m flattered but mad at your attitude
you take the avenue
I take the alley, but we both turn around like we inside a cul-de-sac
and meet on the street where this started at
I raise my starter cap
then you hook your hair
behind your ear
we put our cars out of gear
the headlights shine bright thru our windshield
we both looking forward
like we both want this
so we open our doors
and we walk thru the rain
we’re soaked in our pain
but live for this moment when we stand in both lanes
and kiss away all our shame
and all of those names
and all of the thangs
that had us both drained
because we’re both vane
although it won’t last…
so when we let go
its a thing of the past
and its on a string
that we won’t cut off
because love, isn’t something that we can just shrug off
we both feel the storm
but if we stay stuck together, then we can keep warm