I phrased it this way because I believe we need to understand the role, construct and impact that feelings and emotions play in our life. Feelings lead to emotions, emotions control thoughts, and thoughts doctor perception, and as I’ve already stated, perception becomes reality, it sets a precedence for our behavior. So what does this mean? I wasn’t connected with myself to know that there was deeper puppet masters within me pulling the strings in my life, I avoided feelings, I preferred the calm and constant in numb. I chased relationships as an escape from feeling, only to add to the feelings I tried so hard fleeing from. Each time I’d combust, never knowing what was the fuse that would set me off…what would make me want it, fight for it, control it, then push it away…the ‘it’ being love, lust, sex, women and commitment. Was I lonely? I thought not, I had endless friends, women and attention…but every relationship became toxic, I entered them for the wrong reasons or under a misguided allure, a substitution for reality, and the women I attracted, well..even if you don’t wear it on your sleeve, misery still loves company, I was broken and collected a jar of already broken hearts that I tried to heal and remodel in my vision as if I was God. When bad plans go south…frustration, anger, withdrawing, lashing out…everything that shouldn’t have taken place, did. Who honestly blames themselves and sees their own role in the midst of turmoil? Abuse…verbal and physical…the biggest shames of my life, became a presence…the very things that altered and shaped my birth and upbringing…I fell into the same desperate destructive acts I hated so much. Reasons…growing up without constant love or a family bond, I seemed love in all the wrong places chasing hard after value, I wanted to be valued by someone, anyone! Maybe I was mad at my mother’s constant absence in and out of prison, the lack of a father’s presence, the many different homes I lived in…but I always dealt with it by not dealing with it. Surreal how what we run from we become, innocent abuse I call it, when we hurt others as a result of trying to doing anything not to be hurt. Relationships, I never knew exactly what kind of woman I wanted or what the ideal woman looked and acted like. I pursued my mother’s brand of love with attributes of close friends and people I admired, trying to craft a likeliness I could tolerate as if she was clay. Going into relationships for the wrong reasons, let alone setting off trying to change someone will end or endure the same way each time…chaos…implosions. So before you can love others, you have to learn how to love yourself and have value for self so you know how to see it in others. I had no self worth. You need to understand what’s still hurting, haunting and holding you back, you have to have a control and healthy knowledge of your emotions and feelings so your reasons will always be clear, and the relationships will have a chance. Your reasons are relative in everything you do, especially your relationships…stop fighting your feelings, get to know them just as well as you strive to know that of your love. Know why you are loved so you can love better, know why you want love so you don’t inherit toxic love. Understand that the things inside you left unchecked and resolved have the potential to tear you down piece by piece, and your breaking will ironically be in the peace that you are after…mine was hidden in relationships, the igniter of my undoing…where do you hide? It’s all relative.
-WayOfLife-
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